I am a Christmas junky. Hard core. Problematic.
It all stems from the fact that me and my man Baby J.C. go waaaaaay back. I start to get excited about Christmas around Dec 26, and that excitement builds all year round. I was done my shopping in September this year. That’s how sad this lil Christmas junky is. I would do all of your shopping and prep too if you would let me.
This year I wanted to go ALL OUT for the “Bigs” (our two oldest boys as we call em). Couple that with my rabid obsession with Pinterest and you know you’ve got trouble brewing. First project? THE WORLD’S MOST SPECTACULAR OVER-STIMULATING ADVENT CALENDAR EEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!
Let me begin by saying I KNOW MY KIDS ARE SPOILED ROTTEN. DUH, isn’t that why I had them? That’s the gravy that goes with all the shitty stuff parents have to do, like dragging them to the dentist and wiping their asses for years on end. I myself was a fairly indulged tyke (thank you Ma and Pa!) and look how lovely I am! <I’m doing a slow twirl. You just can’t see it because this is a computer and we don’t have the technology. Technically we do but *I* don’t have the technology between my ears to operate today’s technology> But I digress. As a kid I always had one of those cardboard advent jobbies with the little flaps and the brown coloured wax (essence of chocolate perhaps??) By the fourth of December half the little chocolates had burst forth from their little plastic cocoons to settle in a muddle in the bottom of the cardboard package. Nooooooo!!!
This year I vowed to come up with the most ass-kickingly awesome advent system on the face of the planet. After carefully studying 1,205 different prototypes on Pinterest I came up with the ultimate big mama of an advent calendar which seamlessly melded all the awesomeness of all previous advent calendars.
Step 1 – Go to the Dollar Store. You will have a double stroller and two carts. Fear not. People in the Dollar Store do not judge. They are immune to society and its expectations of normal.
Step 2 – Fill those mothers up with all sorts of cheap lil trinkemtrankems, toys, whozits and whatzits, candies and gadgets. Money is no object. Its the Dollar Store!
Step 3 – Somehow wrangle your two carts and double stroller through the register. All the sweet old gals frequenting the Dollar Store will raise their invisible brows in amazement at your stealth and ingenuity. They wish they had been such an amazing mother (they were too busy milking cows and scrubbing clothes by lamplight to ever do anything THIS awesome in preparation of our Lord’s birth).
Step 4 – Enlist the help of 40-50% of the Dollar Store staff and 2 of their patrons to wrangle your brood and all your wares into your sweet ass minivan. You have done well, my friend.
Step 5 – Lug the same brood and baggage into your house all alone and through a snow drift, mentally high fiving yourself for managing what took a small fleet of Dollar Storians to manage on the other side.
Step 6 – Spread out the goods and take stock of the fruits of your labours. BOOYAH BITCHES, CHRISTMAS IN DA HOUSE!
Step 7 – All this cheap crap is not sufficient. I repeat, not sufficient. Also known as insufficient. You need to come up with a plethora of meaningful Christmas activities involving family and helping others, Jesus and the meaning of the season. To neglect this step would land you solidly in the category of Douche Bags who love the Dollar Store More than the Real Meaning of Christmas. I concocted a lil sumthing sumthing for each day on a little slip of paper. You may peruse these items at your leisure:
1 – Tonight is the night to kick off the Christmas season. Pack up your family in the van and head into Rocky to watch the PARADE OF LIGHTS. Order some pizza for supper and have a car picnic. Afterwards be sure to check out the famous VON HOLLEN’S HOUSE.
2 – Get your warm winter clothes on and climb in your sled. Its time to go hunting for a CHRISTMAS TREE! When you get it home it is time to decorate the tree and the house. Be sure to listen to Christmas music while you do it!
3 – To help us remember the true meaning of Christmas, lets set up the nativity scene tonight and talk about what it would have been like to be there when Jesus was born. Read the story of Christmas before bed.
4 – Write a letter to Santa then put on your pajamas and pop some popcorn. Its time to hop into the MINIVAN EXPRESS and take a tour to see Christmas lights. We will mail your letter to Santa on our way.
5 – Make a DECORATION for the Christmas tree.
6 – Lets paint MERRY CHRISTMAS signs to welcome our friends and family to our home.
7 – Tonight enjoy the CAROLINE LIGHT UP. Be sure to watch the fireworks, go on a sleigh ride and have some hot chocolate. Try to find a present for your baby brothers in the Farmers Market. What are some ways we can celebrate their first Christmas?
8 – Tonight you are going to take your family to the LIVE NATIVITY in Rocky to see the real story of Christmas played out. Dress warm!
9 – Lets build a snow man or decorate the windows with paper snowflakes that we make ourselves.
10 – Lets talk about the true meaning of Christmas and make a nativity craft. Why is Christmas so important? What wonderful thing happened at Christmas time? What wonderful things have happened to you this year?
11 – Lets make Christmas cards for someone that misses their family and deliver it to them to make their day brighter. (Senior’s Lodge)
12 – Make Father Christian something very special for Christmas.
13 – Go to the HOT POT STUDIO and paint some beautiful clay gifts for your grandparents.
14 – FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT! Enjoy this Christmas movie complete with popcorn and hot chocolate.
15 – Bake some CHRISTMAS COOKIES and candies with your mama. Be sure to decorate them with lots of icing.
16 – Tonight take your family into Caroline and go PUBLIC SKATING!
17 – Tonight for bedtime snack lets have hot chocolate and stir them with candy canes.
18 – Pack up some delicious Christmas treats that you’ve made and take them over to HELEN AND JASON’S house for a visit.
19 – Wrap presents to your family today.
20 – Pick out some new toys and donate them to Santa’s Anonymous so other kids can have a special surprise on Christmas morning too.
21 – Tonight its the CHRISTMAS CONCERT. Put on your best duds and get ready to enjoy an evening of songs filled with spirit and joy.
22 – Put on your warmest winter clothes and find a sled. Its time to go TOBOGANNING and have a bonfire outside. Invite a friend if you like!
23 – Pull out all of your bedding and lets build a nest and campout under the Christmas tree.
24 – Build GINGERBREAD HOUSES today!
Step 8 – Randomly jam little treats into the boxes with slips of magical paper while giggling and randomly doing schemey fingers. BEST. ADVENT. EVER.
Step 9 – Hide this jumble til you can officially set it up. OH BOY! OH BOY!
Step 10 – Sleep. You will need it because apparently you have yourself so flipping busy in December that you will not sleep much.
Next up on the list of MOST AMAZING CHRISTMAS ACTION EVER is introducing this lil rapscallion into the mix. Mwahahahahaha!!