Relf, the Elf on the Shelf

I am going to attempt to fill you in on all the happiness and joy <heavy sarcasm> thus far in December as I squint blearily through my pus-filled, snotty lashes. Either N is very contagious or someone farted on my pillow (a distinct possibility).

Yesterday we kicked off December with the big REVEAL of the beauty advent calendar I crafted here. When I said “Let’s go see the awesome Advent calendar!” my darling Big W said “YAY! A LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR!” and began jumping up and down and clapping. Uhhh…no, its WAY better! Of course he tried to save face by telling me I’m the best Mommy ever and he loved the homemade jobby blah blah blah. Save it, buddy. We all know the Lego calendar would’ve been amazing, but this mama ain’t shelling out $49.99 for some little pieces of jagged plastic to step on in the dark. Wait til Christmas for that, OK!?


My 4 year old auditing my Advent calendar.

The boys surveyed the advent monstrosity I had rigged up and immediately counted all the boxes. Probably smart to double check their mother’s math. W makes sure everyone knows that his dear old mother uses a calculator to double check his Grade 2 math homework. Rotter. When they were satisfied that all the days were accounted for they opened the first box and found a couple chunks of chocolate along with this little note:

1 – Tonight is the night to kick off the Christmas season. Pack up your family in the van and head into Rocky to watch the PARADE OF LIGHTS. Order some pizza for supper and have a car picnic. Afterwards be sure to check out the famous VON HOLLEN’S HOUSE.


HOORAY! So we all bundled into the Party Bus (the notorious mommymobile), picked up our dear friend H (The Mother of My Other Brother, a surrogate Gramma of sorts) and headed to the Parade of Lights. I was johnny on the spot having pizza, plates, napkins, drinks (both hot and cold) at the ready for our car picnic. I am a freaking machine! But alas, just when you think you’ve got all the bases covered a small voice whimpers from the back “But I wanted spaghetti”.

We waited. And waited. And waited. The Bigs were done their pizza and were worked into a lather of anticipation already. I decided to unleash the beasts from the confines of the Party Bus so they could blow a little steam off. They proceeded to frolic, romp and drop kick each other on the pavement until they were both cold and the littlest Big was bawling. Awesome. By the time the parade finally rolled around we were all frozen solid. It was well worth the wait though!



“Look Ma! A mobile epilepsy diagnostic machine!”

Following the conclusion of the Parade of Lights we loaded up and followed the masses to the famous Von Hollen’s residence. This is a humble abode in a small town which, at Christmas time, can be seen from space. They make Clark Griswold look like an underachiever. It is always a highlight to stroll through their yard – like a cheap psychedelic trip. We even scored primo curbside parking. Luck was on our side! By this point, however, poor littlest Big N was whimpering repeatedly “Please take me home. Please take me home.” Recall he is battling with some nasty cold-flu-pinkeye combo at the moment. I honestly felt like the Christmas Spirit Po-Po: forcing unwilling participants to enjoy the holidays, DAMMIT! We zipped through the yard and headed for home. Poor kid cried all the way home, then continued for several hours into the night. He did not sleep well at all. Worst. Mommy. Ever.


SHA-ZAAAAAAAM! Can you blame me for dragging my kids to see this spectacular display of awesomeness?

In light that super-fun-advent-time was a total bust, I snuck downstairs in the night and swapped a few of the advent activities around. We were supposed to go out with the sled to find a Christmas tree today, but I figured the kids needed a day at home, in their jammies, and something low key to enjoy. This evening we painted “Merry Christmas” signs to welcome guests to our home. The kids both loved it. A LOT. Makes a person wonder why we bother spending a lot of energy and resources for big elaborate outings when a paintbrush and some paint is so wonderfully fulfilling for them.


This Advent activity is  kid approved.

There was also a mysterious package from the North Pole at our house today. A certain “Elf on the Shelf” decided to drag his lazy ass out of the closet and make his way downstairs. The kids loved reading the story and named our elf “Relf”. Awesome. All day long whenever someone did or said something nice I would beller “HEY RELF! DID YOU SEE THAT?” The boys are already starting to do that “Oh-MOM-how-could-you-embarrass-me-in-front-of-someone-so-important” face. Sorry dudes, didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable in front of the elf.

I tucked the Big gaffers into their wee (Ikea) trundle (bunk) bed and our Biggest Big interrogated me for a few minutes regarding my involvement with a certain Elf on the Shelf. I’m notoriously the worst liar in the western hemisphere. It really saddens me to think that this may be the last Christmas that we can dupe the kid into believing the whole charade. I think I was 8 when I figured it out. Pretty sure my brothers were 12 and 14 though so maybe there is hope.

Relf made his debut this evening with a pretty spectacular rodeo. I’m glad he kept safety in mind with the helmet and riding boots. Attaboy Relf.


Dally up, Relf! But remember to keep your thumbs up, brother, when you take your turns cause the riata bites and the saddle horn burns. Can’t have us a thumbless elf now, can we?

I love the holidays so stinking much, and want to make them as fun-filled and special as possible for the kids as I know this magical time is so fleeting in our lives. But what kind of memory is it when you are miserably sick and your hyperactive chihuahua-esque mother is marching you through the snow from one activity to the next? I just need to remember that sometimes what kids need most is to just chill out at home in their Transformers jammies and watch cartoons in bed all day. Take a breath, you crazy bitch. Christmas will be wonderful whether you glitter-glue the shit out of it or not.

Time for this pouty mama to crawl into bed and stuff her face with Doritos.

High fives,



Completely unrelated and random. Gratuitous cuteness if you will. The Littles tried out their Bumbos for the first time today. They looked at each other, grinned and held hands. Awwwwww!!!!!


One thought on “Relf, the Elf on the Shelf

  1. Pingback: I’m A Glass-Half-Full Kinda Gal | Feral Farm Wife

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