Exercises to Prepare You for Parenthood

  1. Firstly, ingest a large bowl of beans in hot sauce. Next, go the nearest feed store and purchase a 50 lb bag of horse feed. Next, trap a few live gophers, insert into the bag of horse feed and tie it off. Securely duct tape the bag of feed around your belly, then layer 3 warm sweaters over top. Lastly (and this is a very important step!) , wiggle yourself into a pair of pantyhose and drop a bowling ball in the crotch support area. If you have done this step correctly the bowling ball will hover around your knees. Clamp them tightly together so the bowling ball does not fall out while you are walking. Slip on a pair of shoes in 1 size smaller than you normally wear. Lastly, rub a thin layer of Vaseline over your face to simulate that beautiful pregnancy glow. While wearing this get-up go to the mall during busy Christmas shopping hours and waddle around the mall heaving, grunting, farting and sweating. Every time one of the vicious gophers decides to dropkick you in the spleen give a sweet, motherly smile and pat your bulging abdomen. Bonus points if you get compliments on your beautiful glow. After 5 hours of this, head home and try to get a good night sleep on the floor with tennis balls sewn into the back of your pajamas. If you successfully accomplish this task you are ready for pregnancy.

    nanobelly

    It’s really super comfortable! I promise!

  2. Take a group of foreign exchange students out to the local pub. They must a) not speak a lick of English and b) not be able to handle their alcohol. Spend the evening chasing these wild beasts around the vicinity, shouting at them in a language they will not respond to. They may get rowdy, aggressive, lost, sad and quite sick. You must attempt to keep all of your charges in one area and out of potential harm. Bonus points if you can coax the little dears out of the McDonald”s Play Place tunnels at 2 am. If you successfully accomplish this task you are ready to host a preschool birthday party.

    MAN DOWN! I repeat, WE HAVE A MAN DOWN!

    MAN DOWN! I repeat, WE HAVE A MAN DOWN!

  3. Feed a rabbit several pounds of cocaine and release it in an amusement park. If you are able to locate and capture the rabbit you are ready to chaperone an elementary school field trip.

    Gratuitous cotton candy binge picture.

    Gratuitous cotton candy binge picture.

  4. Next time your spouse comes down with the flu, Saran wrap and duct tape their arms to their sides. You are completely responsible for cleaning, bathing, clothing and caring for this volatile bodily fluid sprinkler. If you are able to retain a scrap of sanity after 72 hours you may be ready to handle a newborn.
  5. Get your grandmother jacked up on coffee (or rum) and Werther’s Originals and take her to BINGO night. During the final game of the night for the big jackpot, turn to her and explain that its time to go. If you can get her into the car without causing a scene you are ready to take a preschooler in public.

    You wanna piece of me!?

  6. Stop closing the door on public restrooms when you are using them so you can enjoy the company of others while you use the facilities. Leave all of your dignity back in the 90s.

    Open door policy

  7. Hire an auctioneer loudly comment on your breathe, genitals, weight, hair loss and/or breasts in public. Invite this same auctioneer to make rude comments on complete strangers’ appearances as well. If you can survive this torture with good humour, you are ready to be in the company of children.
  8. Purchase an industrial sized vat of syrup and paint all of the surfaces in your home with it. Sprinkle a liberal dusting of cheerios and hair on the syrup. Scribble in Sharpie on the hardwood floor. Tap dance barefoot on 37 square feet of Lego in the dark. Smash the front of your brand new flatscreen TV with a hockey stick. If this doesn’t bother you, you are ready to share your living space with pint sized dictators.
  9. Invite your loudest, most obnoxious acquaintances over for dinner. Spend the day preparing something special and insist they holler “I DON’T YIKE IT! I WANT NOODLES!” Breathe deeply, you are ready to share the dinner table with your darling spawn.

    "What do you mean NO?"

    “What do you mean NO?”

  10. Set your alarm clock for every 45 minutes through the night. Every time the alarm goes off, get up and baste a chicken. Continue this for 18 years. Give all of your nice stuff away. Own a total of 3 pairs of yoga pants and 2 hoodies. Rotate these on a weekly basis so you only have to shower/do laundry once/week. Forget how to brush your teeth or shave your legs. Forget your spouse’s first name. Lock your keys in the car with the spare keys. Survive on cold meals snatched at random times of the day off of other people’s plates (primarily congealed KD, nubs of cold hotdogs, soggy goldfish crackers and baby carrots that someone has repeatedly dipped in dressing and licked off). Fantasize about eloping with your coffee pot.

    What do you mean "When's the last time you showered?"

    What do you mean “When’s the last time you showered?”

If you have successfully accomplished these 10 gruelling challenges CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are now equipped for parenthood. I promise though, its all worth it for the smiles, the hugs and the “I yuv yous”.

skyboys

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