Children are such wonderful little beasts that bring joy, happiness and love into your world. But they also bring a whooooole crapload of humiliation and embarrassment along too. Its a package deal though, sorry. So check your dignity at the door and buckle up. Parenthood is a perpetual comedy of errs.
Article #1 – I joined the legions of People of Walmart
You are no doubt familiar with all of the “People of Walmart” pictures that have been circling the internet. There are pictures of some of society’s most forward thinkers – those that don’t hesitate to venture out into public wearing bath robes, XS tights with skidmarks or dragging their kids (literally) behind their ride on scooters. Thanks to my dear sweet children I too have been initiated into the club of Walmart shoppers that have left their mark on the world (it wasn’t a skidmark though, thankfully). When I was a mom of just 2 little fellows I stopped by Walmart carrying Baby N in my arms. He was just a wee tot at the time. I didn’t have a spare hand to hold 3-year-old W’s lil wee mitt at the time as we crossed the busy parking lot. I told him to “hook up his trailer”. This was my oh-so-ingenius solution to not being an octopus and having enough arms to go around. He would hold onto my back pockets and we would chug along like he was my trailer. This would keep him close and safe. As we approached the doors traffic stopped both ways to let us cross. We chugged along a few steps until W stumbled. Down he went with both hands still clasping my back pockets. He somehow managed to pull down not only my pants but my gonch too. I didn’t have a spare hand to pull them up since I had the baby in my arms and trying to help a crying preschooler off the busy road, so I did the only thing I could do. Slowly shuffled with my jeans down around my ankles the rest of the way across.
Article #2 – An Eyeful at the Mall
When wee W was a baby he had a lot of problems with his eyes resulting in two surgeries. One day I took him out to the mall. I had one of those sling type carriers, and jammed him in there. Poor lil gaffer was wearing a bandage on his eye and I was adamant that I wouldn’t make him feel self-concious about it. Off we trot into the mall and person after person is staring right at his little face nestled against me with looks of horror/disgust/shock. My rage-o-meter is really getting cranked up. I mean, who could possibly look at a poor baby with a bandaged eye so cruelly? I was quite fed up and went back out to the car to head for home. It wasn’t until I went to unload the wee tyke that I noticed my top had been shoved down by his little feet when I stuffed him in the sling thereby exposing my teat to the world. Here people had been looking at my boob that was sitting right out by his little face, not his bandaged eye.
Article #3 – Pool Party
If you are a new parent please heed this advice: do not take your child swimming until they are reliably potty trained…like 9 years old. A few years ago we went swimming. Our little guy was in the throes of potty training (spoiler alert: potty training will make you hate your life. It really will. Sticking toothpicks in your eyes would be more fun). He did really well holding off dropping a King Coiler til we were out of the pool. Now the pool we were at did not have washrooms in the family change area (what a dumb move that was!) We were all in our little private change room in the shower when he decided to crouch down and lay a steamer on the floor of the shower. What the hell are you supposed to do with that? We did the only thing we could possibly do. We started madly stamping and stuffing the crap down the tiny holes of the shower drain. I am not proud of what I did that day folks. But I will tell you this. I revealed this horrific story to one of my best girlfriends and she revealed that not only did this EXACT thing happen to her, but she was prego and on her hands and knees at the time. See, kids will make you rue the day you were born.
What are some of the lovely things you’ve had to endure at the hands of your beloved offspring?