Feral Five: 5 Things Not to Surprise Your Hubs With

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Honest to goodness, this is the last time we danced together at our nuptials in 2002. I’m pretty sure we were 13 at the time. Awww, we are so cute.

In an effort to be a more spontaneous and fun-loving individual I’ve been making an effort in 2013 to go with the flow and fly by the seat of my pants.

Well, that’s a lie. I started to roll this way circa 1981 about the time I was hatched into this world.

Alas, this is neither here nor there because I took it upon myself to sign Hubs* and I up for dance lessons. Waltzing lessons to be exact. And I didn’t tell him. You could argue (as I so lamely attempted to do 2 seconds ago) that it was in the vein of being spontaneous, to keep the romance alive, to reconnect with my dearly beloved. Realistically, however, I knew there was no way in hell to get a man to agree to such a ridiculous suggestion so best to just “forget” to mention our new hobby until the first night was upon us.

Now before I proceed I need to emphasize that Hubs is the most (irritatingly) level-headed, cool cucumber you will ever meet. In the 13 years I have known him I have never seen him lose his shit. He never raises his voice, slams doors or smashes dishes. He doesn’t give you the silent treatment or clench his jaw. He is just always reasonable and sane. It is infuriating because I can never get much of a rise out of him and a one sided screeching match is not much fun. He is definitely the ying to my yang or some such rubbish. He definitely grounds my feral nature. He is the kind of person you would want at the helm of a jumbo jet or as a first responder if you needed first aid. The angriest I have ever seen Hubs was when I accidentally garbaged 2 Oilers tickets. All he said (much later) was “That made me very angry.” Good to know!

That said, when I revealed to Hubs that we were going out on a fun couples outing, he was pretty livid. He was preparing supper and reminded me “I’m holding a knife”. The man was thoroughly unimpressed, particularly because he suspected we were going to be attending Zumba. He grouchily stated “I have no rhythm” to which I replied “But you do have the blues”. He didn’t see the humour in it.

All told, we did have a pretty fun time at the class. To quote Hubs “It wasn’t too bad as long as I didn’t look at your crazy face antics”. I’m not really sure what he meant by that, particularly because I wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary.

So ladies, to protect you from the same fate I have compiled the FERAL FIVE THINGS NOT TO SURPRISE YOUR HUBS WITH:

5) “I backed into something with your car so I thought I would get this cool custom paint job while I was at the body shop”.

“Oh honey, won’t the kids love it!”

4) “I’ve decided to join a new reality show called “Brother Husbands” and will be asking your brother to join us in our marriage. I’ve already signed the contract so don’t even think of going all Jon Gosselin on me”.

polygamy 3

3) “Dear, its twins”.

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2) “From now on I will not be known as Darla. Please call me Donald. Oh, and I put the surgery costs on your credit card”.

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All joking aside, I would make a pretty cute man.

1) “Honey, we are signed up for waltzing lessons, it starts tonight and the sitter will be here in 15 minutes”.

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I have been strictly forbidden from disclosing any photographic or video evidence of the waltzing. This is the nearest replica of what Hubs looked like when I told him we were going dancing.

*not his real name

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