I’m not gonna lie, we enjoy the tube in our household. Hubs* and I are hardcore TV junkies and our PVR is usually full to the brim with sparks shooting out of it. Mwahahahaha!! TV! GLORIOUS, DELICIOUS TV!!! There is a lot of great stuff on ye old boob tube but alas, for every great show there are 3249 heaping, steaming, smouldering piles of crap. This seems especially true for children’s programming. Have you ever sat down and really watched this shit? It will hurt your brain. Please, for the love of humanity and the sanity and developing brain cells of future generations, do not expose them to some of the mind-numbing-bad-acid-trip-esque entertainment out there. The very worst of this garbage makes me feel slightly nauseated, extremely uncomfortable and more than a little “AWK-WARD”. Without further ado, I present to you the FERAL 5 CHILDREN’S TV CHARACTERS THAT MAKE ME SQUIRM IN A VERY UNPLEASANT WAY…drumroll please…
5. DAVID BOWIE as Jareth the Goblin King in the movie Labyrinth
It is no secret how I feel about Mr. Bowie’s
bulge Bulge (really, it deserves to be capitalized) in my childhood favourite, Labyrinth. Men in tights should not be dancing the magic dance, waving the protruding genitals anywhere in direct line of sight of innocent children. ‘Nuff said. Love you Mr. Bowie, but your junk makes me uncomfortable. Probably that poor little goblin too. Poor thing nearly lost an eye there.
4. GENEVIEVE from Choo Choo Soul
Disney Junior has a lot of fun and educational shows for the half-pint crowd but one show in particular gets my hackles up every time. Maybe this is my alpha-bitch voice coming out but I am not a fan of this breathy-busty-broad with a train engineer’s cap perched at a jaunty angle. Every male in my household from age 2 to the grandpa contingency will drop what they are doing to gallop over to the TV set and ogle this hoochy chick with mouths agape. I highly doubt she has taken ANY training on proper safe train operation. Shouldn’t we be sitting until the train comes to a complete stop? And if my kid starts repeating the ABCs in preschool with a “Chugga-chugga-oooooo-chugga-chugga-aaaaaaaaah” moaning voice I am sure I will have some explaining to do. For this reason (read: typical female claw-you-eyes-out jealousy) I am not a fan of Choo Choo Soul.
3. CAPTAIN FEATHERSWORD from The Wiggles
Bless The Wiggles for bucking up and smiling through years of court mandated community service with a smile on their face (at least I am assuming that is why grown men would sing/dance with such wild abandon for an audience of children). But when a grown man dressed as a pirate tickles everyone in sight with a feathersword, I start to get the heeby-bo-jeebies and frantically look for the nearest emergency exit.
2. MAKKA PAKKA from In the Night Garden
We have now ventured out of the “mildly weird and annoying” territory straight into the “truly bat-shit deranged and certifiably disturbing”. If you have never seen In the Night Garden in the flesh I urge you, nay, I COMPEL YOU WITH ALL THE POWER OF MY BEING to google it right now. I assure you you will need at least 20 minutes to accomplish this task: 2 minutes to watch the video and 18 minutes to write all the Big Wheels in government begging them to remove this kind of brain rot from the airwaves. Ok, done? Good. This show bothers me to the very core of my being. All of the characters are fairly bizarro but this little fellow named Makka Pakka is the cream of the crop. He pushes around a tricycle type appartus containing a jug and ?? Soap maybe? Who the hell knows. His modus operandii is trucking around washing “his rocks” and other characters faces. Excuse me while I locate some hand sanitizer.
1. MUNO from Yo Gabba Gabba
The first time I witnessed a giant-red-bumpy-one-eyed-phallic-fellow dancing around and singing “I love worms! I love babies!” I was pretty sure I had accidentally taken the dog’s dewormer tablets instead of an aspirin. Alas, no, tis not the case. This freaky dildo with teeth exists in the real world, not just my brain. He is here for your pleasure and to teach children acceptance. If your child begins scooting across the carpet you will know it is time for a good deworming and to turn off the tube.
*Not his real name.