Feral Flashback: Mr. Nudey

Men-Bathroom-Sign

Ohhhhhhh ho ho ho…what do we have here. Upon scouring my computer I found this oldy but goody. Gone are those carefree college days. But the memories will live on forever. Nay, they are burned into my memory, despite my best attempts to rid my mind of images of Mr. Nudey. This is from the summer of 2001 when I took an art class. Enjoy…….

YIKES!!! I am enrolled in summer session at the university so I can finish my degree faster. I am majoring in Animal Science so my typical classes are things like Biochemistry, Swine Nutrition. Ruminant Management, etc. Well, I need some ‘filler’ classes and you are free to choose anything you like. So this summer I am taking a Classical Greek Myth class, a Statistics class, a Philosophy class (I’ve taken 3 already and really enjoy them) and a Biology class about ecosystems (aka going on field trips to lakes=summer fun while getting credit). Anyway, the class that is most challenging, new and exciting is Foundation in Painting. I have NO experience and wanted to give it a shot. Well the class is for 3 hours everyday of the week for 7 weeks. The instructor is pleased/surprised I am in the class because everyone else is a Fine Arts major (aside from me and a Math guy). This also means that everyone else has WAY more experience than me!

Today was our third day. The first two days we tried drawing ‘contour lines’ with charcoal. We drew skulls of animals and our hands. Seemed to be difficult but still lots of fun. Then today (I will repeat…the THIRD day only!) they bring out the NUDE MODEL!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! Everyone else was acting like this was a regular walk in the park and me and Math Guy were nervously darting our eyes around the room to figure out what to do. I was wondering…is there going to be a drumroll? Will everyone clap when the nude person comes in? Sorry folks but I am not well versed in the etiquette of painting nude people. While I was fidgeting with my paper and paints all of a sudden…TA DA…there was the nude person…no warning or anything. YIKES!!! No robe, no word of warning, he was just there in all his glory. The professor said, “Everyone, this is Tom”. I then said (rather loudly and awkwardly) “Hi Tom!”. Nobody else made a peep. Mental note: don’t talk to Mr. Nudey.

At first I was relieved because we have these huge easels that I could hide from Mr. Nudey. Then the professor made us all gather in close and turn our easels. I was then fully in view of Mr. Nudey while staring intently and trying (gingerly) to depict him in a masculine/non-insulting way (read: I have trouble with proportion and did not want to insult and/or overly flatter strange nude man). Man oh man, talk about difficult. Everyone set to work immediately setting down beautiful masterpieces on their paper while I attempted to paint him without actually looking at him. A difficult task indeed. The professor said that we could pick one part to focus on and make it really large and fill the paper. So I focused on the safe stuff – feet, elbows, hairline, ears. The whole time Mr. Nudey was frowning and serious. I whispered to Math Guy “I never learned how to do this on Mr. Dressup” – that was my main Art teacher growing up, “I want my smelly markers back, this is hard!” At that Mr. Nudey burst out laughing. Note to nude people: laughing does not look good when you are not clothed. ha ha! And what’s with all the sprawling and posing?? I’d prefer if they’d stand stiffly upright with hands and legs firmly clamped to the sides.  For one pose he had a waist-high stool (that you would sit on to paint or whatever) and he bent over and put his elbows on the stool. And I had to paint the ‘rear-view’ and concentrate on the perfect shape of the, er, crack. I was waiting for a camera crew to jump out and tell me I was on some spoof show because it was too weird to be real!

Then we had to draw ‘the works’ – the whole body on one sheet of paper. I’m not sure how I got through it, but me and Math Guy survived. After my class I went to my husband’s laboratory to show him my work. I told him all about the class. Then I showed him my picture of Mr. Nudey’s whole body. He burst out laughing – apparently he found it very hilarious that I could go to a nude Art class and still manage to draw a whole body minus the nether-regions and nipples. LMAO Oh well, maybe it’ll be easier next time! Thank GOODNESS for Math guy – his painting looked like a deformed Teletubby. At least I am not alone! Tomorrow we meet Mrs. Nudey. Anyone else taken a nude art class?

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One thought on “Feral Flashback: Mr. Nudey

  1. Tamara, I have to share my nudie drawing expericence…about 14 years ago I decided to take my first drawing class…I blogged the experience via email to my family and friends…here is my week 8 (nudie class update)…PS our teacher said she never used male nudies as on occasion they can become a little over excited (if you get my drift) and change the perspective of the drawing part way through…love you…M

    Week 8

    Well this is it…my last update…I have to admit I am a little sad about it and I will miss my drawing classmates…we had a great time and had lots of laughs.

    We didn’t really have a homework assignment last week so we didn’t critique it (what she said is that if we could find someone to pose nude for us we could draw them…I just couldn’t convince Jim to do it)…I did do some drawing, tho, on Sunday…I am practicing drawing shoes…Charlene, I am trying to get it down so I can complete my first commissioned piece…does commissioned mean you have to make money on it? Perhaps we should call it my first request instead. By the way my practice shoes aren’t bad and if you look at them in the right light and at the right angle (standing on your head while peering around a corner) they actually look like they have depth….I will keep practicing….

    Well are you ready for the nude story…hang on to your hats…We all showed up at 7:00 in anticipation of the big event. The teacher went down to meet the model and we waited and we waited…at 7:15 the teacher came back with no model…she was horrified that she had been stood up 2 weeks in a row….she asked us to once again draw each other for a few minutes while she went and checked on more time…she came back empty handed…we continued with what we were doing when all of a sudden we heard this voice behind us say “they told me 222 not 227! Is this the drawing class?”…In walks this woman who was so not what I expected a nude model to be. She was about 40 (nothing wrong with being 40) 5’4” tall, she had stringy mousy brown/gray hair tied in a scrunchy knot at the top of her head, she had eye glasses that cover about 3/4s of her face, and she had a very pear shaped body. We all looked at each other like OH! She came in talking a mile a minute apologizing for being late…with details of her hundreds of woes…babysitter late, got lost, locked keys in the car, no change for parking, got change fed the meter and then realized no matter how much money she put in the meter it would only hold for 1 hour…. She was a little distraught.

    She then proceeded to the middle of the room, spread out a blanket on the floor and took her clothes off…no bathrobe strategically draped, no silk scarves to leave things to the imagination. Just stark raving naked…we sketched her doing different poses (changed every minute) for about 20 minutes…. I had trouble with that as I get a couple of lines on the paper and there she is moved again…we finally got to draw her for an hour in one pose…where I was situated in the room, when she posed herself, I had her back…well I sketched her body shape and shaded where there were shades etc…When I thought I was done and looked at the picture I realized that I had drawn her leg and foot curved around behind her with about 10 inches between her foot and butt and when I actually looked at her…her foot was tuck under her butt…I found it very interesting that no matter how I try to be observant and “draw what I see” what I see isn’t actually what is there.

    It was amazing to me that this woman sat for an entire hour without moving…no small adjustments…not shifting, no stretching no movement…WOW…I had to admit at the end of the class I understood why this woman is such a popular nude model…she has a very interesting body, allowing for lots of curves and shapes to draw and shade…she had a rather large butt, and heavy thighs, she does not shave her pits (Scott, have I lost you yet?)…she had perky little breasts with the longest nipples in the world, I am talking inches (It was quite cold in the room) and a wrinkly neck…I guess if she was a supermodel type, I would be back to drawing stick people…LOL…

    I am so going to sign up for another class in the fall…in the mean time, I have my little sketch book (thanks Kimbo) and pencils as well as some extra paper from the class to continue to practice throughout the summer. Be prepared I may be looking for a few models…
    Take care everyone and please stay tuned for the next edition of “Drawing through the eyes of Micki”….M

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