If you are a Saturday Night Live fan, you no doubt are familiar with the glorious Stefon. One of my favourite episodes was where Stefon used the term “roaming draggers” to describe “that thing where an old dog has short legs but a long penis”. It immediately dawned on me that we are fortunate enough to share our home with our very own roaming dragger: Max!
He first entered our family when he was a wee tyker of 6 months. I was running a dog behaviour consulting biz and he was brought to us for help with his house training. He was a star student and learned quickly, but when it came time for him to go back home his owners didn’t want him. I guess I kind of inherited him. At this same time my Dad had to put down his beloved dog, Franny, who was 21 years young. Max went to live with my parents and everything was groovy. Max looks like a cartoon caricature of a dog. He has tiny short knobby legs, a rotund belly, Dr. Suess-esque polka dot coat and big brown eyes. You can’t deny he is a cute lil rotter.
Fast forward 8 years. I have developed a real love-hate relationship with Max. We live on the same farm land as my parents, but they are away at work all day. Max decided our house is a lot more fun than sitting home alone all day. There is always someone home and with 4 little boys in the house he can usually find someone to throw a ball for him. He began his infiltration of my defenses by arriving at our home as soon as he was released for his morning pee bright and early. He would stand outside the door and shrieking “IPE! IPE! IPE!” repeatedly til someone relented and opened the door for him. Eventually he decided to adopt us as his new full time residence and stopped going to his actual home at night. I’m less than enthused about this arrangement. He is prone to farting, wheezing and snorting. Constantly. He is like living with a chubby, gassy geriatric man. That is, if that geriatric man like to burrow right under your head while you are sleeping sending up fumes that could choke a donkey.
Max has always battled with maintaining a sleek physique and a trim waistline. He has lightning fast reflexes and will inhale anything that hits the floor (edible or not). He is especially thrilled that the twins are now eating baby food. He parks himself right under their highchairs and cleans up like a tiny furry Roomba. This amazing “pounce-and-swallow” reflex once resulted in him gobbling a massive gob (read: lethal) of horse dewormer paste that my dear old nag spat on the ground. My poor mother had to induce vomiting by feeding Max spoonfuls of salt. Ahhh, never a dull moment.
Max has been thoroughly examined for a medical condition to explain his girth and found to be fit as a fat little fiddle. His ability to inhale (sans mastication) any substance in front of him (ie. crumbs, cookies, dog food, cat food, horse food, horse manure, chicken poop, stolen eggs from the coop, garbage, varied carcass bits, cow placenta, calf scours, horse hoof trimmings, fresh cows milk and I am 98% sure he will eat mud) has led to the loss of his girlish figure. He is currently on a prescription diet akin to “cardboard without calories” and my dear old Pa even bought him a life jacket so he can do some aqua aerobics in the jacuzzi. Bless your lil rotund belly, Maxi.
In our travels we even came upon a children’s book series that celebrates fat, farting dogs just like Max! Walter the Farting Dog even kinda looks like Maxi.
Evaluation of Max’s Qualities:
|Large endearing brown eyes||Wheezing|
|Absolutely lovely with kids||Snorting|
|Not hyper or jumpy||Groaning|
|Cleans up after the babies||Shrill, shrieky bark|
|Exceptional mouser||Lays his belly on carpet to rub his weenie|
|Cleans Fetchy’s bulgy eyeballs||Low clearance of undercarriage means usually muddy|
|Will fetch a ball non-stop||Will not stop fetching|
All in all he is a pretty lovable fellow and we are blessed to have him in our lives. I finally resolved to welcome Max with open arms into the fold. If he has decided he likes to live amongst the wild beasts that are my offpspring, more power to ya buddy. I gave him a bath (and a very thorough scrub of the undercarriage), got a step stool for him to use to waddle up onto the bed and made him a nice cozy blanket. He heaved his mass up on the bed, had a spectacular reverse sneezing fit, let a big S-B-D* loose that burnt my eyes. Welcome, Max.
*Silent but Deadly