Full Moon Rising at Walmart

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You’ve seen that horrifying website “The People of Walmart”, right? It is a collection of the most cringe worthy folks that have stumbled into Walmart shopping centres across the world. You know, the people with feces soaking through their shorts or wearing a sheer pantyhose bodysuit as they peruse the produce aisle. I nearly made the cut once.

I was making a trip into Walmart with my two boys. The oldest was barely three and the other was a newborn. But we are talking BIG newborn. He was nearly 10 lb at birth and seemed to double in size in no time. He was a hefty wee thing and I had to hold him carefully and securely with both arms to keep him steady. In order to keep the older boy safe in busy parking lots we invented a “fun game” where I would instruct him to “hook up the trailer”. I would pretend to be a train or a tractor or a big truck. At the prompt to “hook up the trailer” he would grasp onto both back pockets of my blue jeans with his pudgy hands.  I was then reassured that he was safely tethered to me and close enough to monitor that he wasn’t about to become a pancake in the busy parking lot. Once he was firmly attached I would clutch the newborn to my chest and we would chug, slowly but surely, towards the entrance.

On this particular day we had made it to the crosswalk near the entrance and vehicles going both directions had stopped to let us cross. I nodded in appreciation and proceeded to start shuffling forward. My little man caught his footing, whether due to the skiff of gravel on the pavement or by hooking a foot on the speed bump I will never know. He tumbled down but he did not release his tight death grip on both back pockets of my jeans. As he fell I could feel my jeans falling with him. In slow motion horror I felt the crisp fall air hit both cheeks as my super stretchy, saggy mom underpants plunged below my knees. There was no way I could set the newborn down on the busy pavement and no respite in sight. I had no choice other than to set my jaw in a determined clench, clench other parts that shall remain unnamed and chug forward, dragging the toddler and clutching the newborn in my arms. I made it safely to the other side of the crosswalk where I was able to deposit my precious bundle of joy into a cart and haul up the remaining layers of my dignity.

To this day I keep expecting a cell phone shot of my bare ass with kids dangling precariously from various parts of my body to surface on the POW site.fullmoon

Oral Hygiene 101

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One of the hazards of having prosthetic jaw joint replacements is that any dental work (even a cleaning) poses serious infection risks. It was with this thought in mind that I said “Self – you need to take care of your chompers and minimize the chance of needing dental intervention. Let’s get you a waterpik!”

Now I realize I am admitting to the general public that I am not a very competent grown up. I’ve just delved into my first epilator purchase and now I am admitting I’ve never used a waterpik. Do the rest of you suckers floss old school? You know…with a string? Or do you have these robotic tooth sprayers too?? Or are you as responsible as me (ie. Floss?? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!”)

The slick unit arrived in an official looking box and is comprised of space-aged-translucent plastic on top of a sleek white base. The little spraying tool fits perfectly in my hand and and is fastened to the base with a jaunty white telephone cord. I excitedly think “WEEEHEEE THIS LOOKS LIKE FUN!” I fill the reservoir with water and fire that bad boy up.

Lesson #1 – This thing is LOUD. So loud that it sounds like someone may be operating a welder or other construction-type apparatus in your bathroom. I made the mistake of firing mine up in the dead of night, just before I went to bed. As in, the kids had been snoozing for hours and I’d just logged a handy 3 hours of hard Netflix time. I turn on this unit and suddenly the kids launch out of bed and stumble into my room to investigate what apocalyptic event is underway in mama’s bathroom.

Lesson #2 – Read the instructions before you turn it on. I was so excited to turn this thing on that I was a little foggy on what button do I push on the handheld thing to stop the flow. I fired it on and suddenly there is a steady stream of water…nay…liquid bullets…shooting from the nozzle. This thing is going GANGBUSTERS. BUT IT IS NOT IN MY MOUTH. It was shooting everywhere. The walls. The mirror. My hair. Across the room to the shower behind me.

Lesson #3 – Get it in your mouth when water is NOT shooting out of it. I was trying to wrap my lips around the steady stream of 8923 PSI water spraying. It was slightly foiled by the fact I had to have my eyes clamped shut to avoid accidental ocular removal with this scalpel sharp stream of water. When the stream hits your soft, delicate facial tissue it will feel like Hannibal Lector is peeling your skin off. Or some kind of luxury microderm abrasion that you spent $ on and are suddenly filled with regret. This thing feels like a razor with lazer sharp intensity.

Lesson #4 – Start with the pressure on LOW. I don’t know if this thing doubles for autobody paint removal or polishing the grout in your shower? What earthly reason could there be for putting this kind of power into a device meant to be put in your MOUTH. Once I’d finally wrapped my tingling, numb lips around the freaking spraying wand I felt like my mouth was about to blow. I made the mistake of pointing the pressure washer at the back of my throat and it felt like 744 needles were blasted into my epiglottis. I tried to reposition and ended up pointing the damned thing at my soft palate eliciting a sudden strong gag reflex. Thankfully the loud roaring of the engine and my family’s hysterical laughter drowned out the gagging sounds.

Lesson #5 – Use warm water. Firstly, cold water sprayed at your gum line at 472 mph is going to give you a Guinness Book of World Record’s ice cream headache. Secondly, cold water is terribly uncomfortable when it starts to overflow out of your nose, which brings me to my next point…

Lesson #6 – Where the frick is all of this water supposed to go? The reservoir on the tank held a giant volume of water. Definitely larger capacity than my mouth! I was trying to be a lady (you can surmise how that was going) and not dribble or drool. My cheeks started to balloon out quickly. WHERE WAS THIS WATER GOING TO GO! WHY HADN’T I READ THE INSTRUCTIONS SO I KNEW HOW TO PAUSE THE FLOW!? AM I GOING TO DIE DUE TO WATERPIK DROWNING?!? At this point the water started to spew forth from both nostrils. 2-in-1 oral care AND sinus care! BONUS!

Lesson #7 – DO NOT WATERPIK WITH WITNESSES. After the cold water started streaming out of my nose I simultaneously gasped/shrieked thereby coughing and choking. The waterpik nozzle was once again uninhibited my the protection of my lips and sprayed around the room. It was memorable. My kids learned a lot of new vocabulary.

ORAL HEALTH IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. Play safe, kids.

School days: Optimal Awkwardness

It is back to school, those magical days when you at your all time maximum of social awkwardness. Remember the early years when you are blissfully unaware? Bless those wondrous days of being simultaneously hilarious and innocent when you are amazing without even having to try. I found these gems among my sons’ school papers this morning and had to stifle a guffaw. I eagerly anticipate the day when I can pull these bad boys out and display on a big screen when my kids are adults. In the meantime I shall share them with you. I have kept the authors of these pieces anonymous in hopes of them some day securing respectable careers and/or suitable spouses.  

There must be some kind of fast track program for children who enjoy playing “hooky” and a soft spot for “hores”.

Some of these “bottles” make me very uncomfortable.

TBT: Singing to Baby Rabbits

This came up on my Timehop app today. Three years ago today I was enjoying a balmy afternoon in the backyard with my (then) three year old. I had twin boys in my enormous belly, a baby bunny in my lap and a smile on my face. It was a simpler time.🙂 It really crunched my heart to see my (then) youngest gently singing to his baby bunny. Little did I know what an amazing big bro this mancub would be to his twin baby brothers.

Feral Five: 5 Unforseen Perks of Parenthood

"Did someone say scape goat?"

“Did someone say scape goat?”

5. Finger foods, particulary those that haven’t been dipped repeatedly in ketchup and licked off.

4. Naps.

3. Baby clothes make super cute dog outfits.

"Doth thif tie make my hipths look fat?"

“Doth thif tie make my hipths look fat?”

2. VIP Service (I do not deny allowing my kids to get excessively loud and rammy if it means the cashier will pick up the pace shhhhhh)

1. Scape goats: ranging from “What’s that smell?” to “Why are you late?” to “Who broke the ipad?” NOTHING is as tight of an alibi as blaming the kids.